6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
This is a bad sign
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.