Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww