When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
What?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond