Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet