[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder