If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.