When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*checks Timeline*…
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
3% human
97% stress
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.