3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
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It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?