[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.