my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Breakfast for Stoners:
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”