If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day