[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
You Might Also Like
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Knock Knock
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree