Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I think I’m having a stroke
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans