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An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?