We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I have a type: disappointing
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.