My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
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my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.