“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
this could fix me
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat