Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.