Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
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When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties