Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.