Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
mathematically impossible
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.