I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
You Might Also Like
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.