Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
what’s really going on
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Whoa… oh I see lol
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.