I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior