You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?