I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs