[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
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it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes