Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
This dude got his own movie?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.