Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
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guys i’ve cracked the code
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
He is just living hist best little life 😊
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness