Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure