Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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Can’t stop laughing
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.