Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes