The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”