CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Hard not to take this personally
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies