A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Hit me in the face with a bird
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.