I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Möther may I have a snäck
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.