*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
You Might Also Like
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
How did we not see this back then?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie