i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I’m putting together a team
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*