It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
You Might Also Like
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded