in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
when u come home smelling like another dog
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
oh my god
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”