To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.