I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.