Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My beach vacation Google searches
Kids, do not try this at home!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.