I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy