Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.