If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes