Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.