Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.