The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Hello, my name is Pierre.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM