People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
hey, alexa